Solitude...or just plain loneliness...

FROM LONELINESS TO RAGE 01

FROM loneliness to rage,
you slip into a bluster
of moods, each one has a
flag of its own.

FROM loneliness to rage,
you howl for any one
with two arms, to hold you,
untill this sadness passes
away.

FROM loneliness to rage,
you cry missiles that
explode in your head,
and land at your feet.
AMEN.............

DAVID GERARDINO

Sometimes I find myself feeling so lonely and sad that I just have to cry. But how can I be lonely when I have so many people who care about me? Some might think it's because I'm spoiled and I need the constant attention. But how can I need something I've never had? It happens so rarely that people stop and ask me if I'm okay - and more rare still that they actually want to know. I answer yes, because that's what they expect, they don't want to hear that I feel completely hopeless and alone. They don't need my problems added to their own.

Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be happy for what I get, no matter how inadequate it is. It's not my place to ask for things for myself, it's my to accept what others give me and be glad for it. This makes me wonder, why are some people entitled to do what they want and others should just sit by and watch them. When a person who's entitled like this is someone close to me, it makes me feel so small and unimportant. Is it a weakness of mine that I just let this go on and never say anything, though I feel really bad because of it? Should I be strong and risk my relationship by standing up and demanding something I want for myself? What if I don't want to lose them because I want something? Am I weak, a fool?

Sometimes I cry hours on end because I feel so bad inside. I'm not happy, no matter how much I want to pretend otherwise. I know I hide my sadness, but why won't anyone notice? Don't they look hard enough or don't they just want to know? Is it selfishness on my part to want them to notice I'm not alright?

Maybe they will pay attention when I burn out - again. After that, for a few months, they might treat me as someone special. Maybe it will be different this time, maybe someone will make it their priority to ensure I feel better. Maybe someone will actually care. Or maybe not.

What will be, will be, I guess.

(After all, I might just be a little depressed and this will all be a bad memory in a while.)

The world spins madly on...

Today I woke up and a part of my world was gone forever. (June 24th 2008)

I slept soundly through it, not having a clue what was going on. The world didn't stop, though it should have, the whole universe should have noticed that one of it's better people passed away.

I can't believe she's gone. There's going to be no more delicious soup, or beautiful needleworks or home-made strawberry jelly. There's no one to ask cooking tips from or tips on how to best mix ferment into our annual 1st of May mead. I know I can actually ask these things from anyone who knows how to do them, but she was my go-to-grandma, if I needed to know anything about cooking or needlework, she was the one to ask. I can only blame myself for not visiting her more often, not being the good granddaughter I should have been.

There are so many things I didn't tell or show her. I never showed her a picture of my two new cats, Sora and Haru, I never talked to her about J, who's so precious to me, so few times I talked about my plans for the future. I can only hope she was proud of me, because she never said it and I never asked. I always thought to myself: "There's plenty of time to do that." That might just be the biggest sin in my life. It's also the biggest regret. There's also a lot I never asked her, I don't know what she did and what she was like before I was born, or before my mother was born. I barely even know what she used to do for a living before retirement. It's crazy how uninterested I was even though she used to take care of me when I was little and my parents had to work. If only she knew how much she meant to me, how much I valued her raising me up and helping to make me what I am today. I didn't have to be taken care of by strangers, I was so shy as a child and didn't like having to deal with people I didn't know. She used to have a warm dinner ready for me when I got to her place from school, and she always had ice cream to eat for dessert. :)

I'm sorry I couldn't talk to her in her last days, it kills me not to know if she knew all the things I never said. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly, one moment she was just gone. It's so cruel. It was really hard to go and see her after she had passed away, but I'm glad I did it. At least I got to see her one last time. I got to say goodbye for my sake, though I doubt she heard me. When the time came to go, she was all alone, I can only hope she knew everyone was thinking of her and that she wasn't afraid.

The child-like part of me wishes that this world worked as in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials novels. That we all had a companion, a daemon, with us through all our lives so we would never be completely alone and that when we passed away we would turn into Dust, the smallest things that make up all the things in the universe, so we would never actually die, but give life to new things and continue to live as part of the universe.

I loved her so very much. I'm only sorry I never told her so.

In Memory of

Kerttu Kujanpää
* April 29th 1924
+ June 24th 2008

Beloved mother,
grandmother,
wife
and friend.

Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

Scattered Echoes

by Todd-Michael St. Pierre

Flowers for a grave, Both dainty and distressing, As tears escape twin rivers of the soul. Convenient time I gave, Infrequently expressing, The sentiment between routine and role. Words left unspoken, Considered unnecessary, Sunshine and shadows, petals and tears. Now the bridge is broken, The chance was temporary, To cross back and stroll through tender years. Eulogies and regret, As mysterious as Jade, I failed to say just what I really meant. A cemetery debt, For love that went unpaid, And greeting cards I never even sent.

This is the second time I've lost an important person in my life, and I feel really guilty for not having been a better grandchild. She's still here with us, in a way, but I will never reach her anymore. So many things I didn't tell her and so many times I didn't visit her and spend time with her. I doubt she knew how important she was to me, how much I have learned from her. She didn't even get to meet the love of my life, the one who makes me really happy. She doesn't know who I've become nor what I am now. There's nothing I can do anymore, just feel guilty and bear the burden of my heavy conscience.

A Passing Afternoon

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

It's Ms Fix-it to you ;)

Yesterday I vacuumed my apartment and ended up jamming up my vacuum with a cat toy. (You really can't expect me to pick up _every single_ item on the floor before starting ;) But today I found a solution to my problem, thanks to my big brother, who actually sometimes has the odd good advice to give. Many times he has told me that 'what you can't fix with duct tape, doesn't really need fixing.' :D I'm just glad my vacuum is almost prehistoric and it was given to me by an old neighbour (so it was free), or else I might have been forced to come up with a scheme a bit more conservative than what I did now. I'll leave it to your imagination what I actually did to the vacuum, but let's just say it involved a hunting knife and a roll of duct tape. :)

Maybe next time I'll just gather up the cat toys, might make things easier. ;p But it's always nice to discover that I actually can fix things by myself. ^_^

Over and out.

Life's simple pleasures

Today I had a really nice day, I got to spend the afternoon and evening with J. <3

During the last few months I've found joy in the most trivial things, like cooking for someone else, washing the dishes, laying on the bed watching TV with my special someone and filling a crossword. I never used to cook anything, I didn't think it worthwhile, because I couldn't eat all I made  by myself anyway. But nowadays the oh-so-quaint scene with the woman having made dinner for her man when he comes home from work makes me feel important, needed and happy. I like to see his happy expression when his got a full stomach and he has enjoyed a meal I've made for him. :)

So, back to today, I made some easy dinner for me and him and we sat around at my place and tried to fill a crossword and then we went out for ice cream. I enjoyed myself immensely and I just hope he did, too. :)

Sometimes it's really hard to enjoy anything, but I hope that on that kind of occasion I will remember this day and the way I felt.  Now that I've grown accustomed to someone else's presence I find it really hard to spend time on my own. I realize everyone needs time by themselves, but it's still really hard. Women, huh? ;P

Over and out.

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Household chores and how much I love them

Today I woke up and decided I really have to clean up my apartment. Even my keyboard is full of cat hair. :) If there's something I don't like about living on my own it's the cleaning. You couldn't imagine how much dust and cat hair you can fit in 24 square meters of apartment. It's quite a bit.
Though it doesn't take that long to vacuum and mop up the place, it's still something I really don't enjoy. Still, it's always nicer to have a clean place. :) Maybe that will encourage some nice people to come and visit me more often ;P

Today seems to become a really hot day -weather wise. I hope it stays sunny, so my favorite ice cream stand will be open and I can get a real nice ice cream to reward myself for my toils this morning. :) Still, I wish the sun would stop shining directly at my windows so my apartment would cool down. It's really hard for the kitties, they don't like it if it's too warm. They're drinking cool water like bunch of buffaloes. :) Well, at least they're not running around the place like crazy.

Over and out.

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Let's see what we can see

This is my first blog ever, so don't hold your breath. I have lots to say but I never seem to get it put into words, so we shall see how things go. Now it's way too late to write anything even remotely interesting or even half-smart, so I'll just leave it for now.

Be prepared for unbelievable angst and self-doubt. ;P