The world spins madly on...

Today I woke up and a part of my world was gone forever. (June 24th 2008)

I slept soundly through it, not having a clue what was going on. The world didn't stop, though it should have, the whole universe should have noticed that one of it's better people passed away.

I can't believe she's gone. There's going to be no more delicious soup, or beautiful needleworks or home-made strawberry jelly. There's no one to ask cooking tips from or tips on how to best mix ferment into our annual 1st of May mead. I know I can actually ask these things from anyone who knows how to do them, but she was my go-to-grandma, if I needed to know anything about cooking or needlework, she was the one to ask. I can only blame myself for not visiting her more often, not being the good granddaughter I should have been.

There are so many things I didn't tell or show her. I never showed her a picture of my two new cats, Sora and Haru, I never talked to her about J, who's so precious to me, so few times I talked about my plans for the future. I can only hope she was proud of me, because she never said it and I never asked. I always thought to myself: "There's plenty of time to do that." That might just be the biggest sin in my life. It's also the biggest regret. There's also a lot I never asked her, I don't know what she did and what she was like before I was born, or before my mother was born. I barely even know what she used to do for a living before retirement. It's crazy how uninterested I was even though she used to take care of me when I was little and my parents had to work. If only she knew how much she meant to me, how much I valued her raising me up and helping to make me what I am today. I didn't have to be taken care of by strangers, I was so shy as a child and didn't like having to deal with people I didn't know. She used to have a warm dinner ready for me when I got to her place from school, and she always had ice cream to eat for dessert. :)

I'm sorry I couldn't talk to her in her last days, it kills me not to know if she knew all the things I never said. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly, one moment she was just gone. It's so cruel. It was really hard to go and see her after she had passed away, but I'm glad I did it. At least I got to see her one last time. I got to say goodbye for my sake, though I doubt she heard me. When the time came to go, she was all alone, I can only hope she knew everyone was thinking of her and that she wasn't afraid.

The child-like part of me wishes that this world worked as in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials novels. That we all had a companion, a daemon, with us through all our lives so we would never be completely alone and that when we passed away we would turn into Dust, the smallest things that make up all the things in the universe, so we would never actually die, but give life to new things and continue to live as part of the universe.

I loved her so very much. I'm only sorry I never told her so.

In Memory of

Kerttu Kujanpää
* April 29th 1924
+ June 24th 2008

Beloved mother,
grandmother,
wife
and friend.